Heavy anesthesia couldn't prevent this Bills fan from feeling the pain
For a generation, watching the Buffalo Bills has felt like having your wisdom teeth yanked out.
Little wonder then that having all four of his back molars removed Friday brought Jeff Ruben to tears about his beloved Bills.
What made the 17-year-old from South Florida emotional, more accurately, was the anesthesia that hadn't worn off shortly after his surgery.
With pitifully hilarious examples already on YouTube and on shows such as "America's Funniest Home Videos," Ruben and his mother planned all along to record whatever he said during his drug-induced haze. For their amusement.
Ruben rambled about the misery of being a Bills fan.
He decided any embarrassment was overshadowed by the comedic value and posted the 4-minute video on YouTube. It has begun to go viral, even being played Monday on "The Jim Rome Show."
Early in the video, after noting he won't be able to go to school Friday, Ruben makes a hairpin non sequitur.
"Mom, I just wanted the Bills to win the Super Bowl!" Ruben sobs. "But they didn't win! They lost four in a row! They couldn't even win one!
"And now EJ Manuel's not even that good! He's not that good! And Jairus Byrd wants to leave Buffalo! That's not good for our secondary! It's not good!"
Ruben is just getting started.
"I just wanted them to win, mom," he says after calming down a bit. "Is it that hard to ask for? Why do they always lose? It's not fair. All I want to do is see them win."
When not quasi-sedated, Ruben speaks with a broadcaster's voice and communicates cogently. He's the online editor and a staff writer for The Torch, the student-run newspaper at Olympic Heights High in Boca Raton, Fla.
In the video, he pours out his feelings even though he says it "feels like bullets are attacking my mouth." He also gets emotional over being unable to say goodbye to his molars because having them removed "is kind of rude to the teeth."
But, just like that, he starts to cry about his Bills again.
So where did his Bills' stream of consciousness come from?
"The Bills are constantly on my mind," Ruben said today by phone from his home in Delray Beach, Fla.
"I'm a huge Bills fan. I've been a Bills fan since I was 6 years old, when the Bills beat the Patriots in 2003. I watch every game. I read all the blogs."
Ruben has grown up in Miami Dolphins territory and wasn't alive when the Bills went to their Super Bowls. But the Bills are in his DNA. He must always defend his loyalties from ridicule.
His father is an attorney from Williamsville. His mother, a teacher from New Jersey, also is a Bills fan. They didn't want to be interviewed for this article.
"My dad was raised a Bills fan. I was raised a Bills fan. I plan on my raising my kids as Bills fans," Ruben said. "It's generational."
In the video, Ruben is seated in the passenger seat while his mom drives him home after the surgery. The camera is positioned in the glove compartment.
Ruben said today he doesn't remember anything from the recording -- his mom clearly is enjoying the show and egging him on -- aside from knowing beforehand that he and his mom wanted to record the ride home.
Here's a partial transcript of Ruben's thoughts while under the influence (with today's lucid thoughts in parentheses):
"They just got a new coach -- his name's Doug Marrone -- last year. ... He's OK. I wanted frickin' Tony Dungy, but he's frickin' from the Cuse, Syracuse, I think."
("I like Doug Marrone. I think he's a really good coach. I'm willing to give him another few years.")
"Trent Edwards. Ryan Fitzpatrick ... Oh, my God, J.P. Losman. He sucked. Now we frickin' have EJ Manuel, who might not even be any good. It's just unfair. We got him last year and he hurt his knee every goddamn day."
("He didn't hurt his knee every damn day, but pretty close to that. What, three times? ... I'm willing to give EJ Manuel another year or two to see if he can develop into something special.")
"We lost to the frickin' Browns on 'Thursday Night Football.' That's when he got injured, and if we would've won we may have ... We could've won. We could've done something special. But they just didn't do it."
("All the mobile quarterbacks who put their bodies out there like that, that's probably what's going to happen. The only one who's avoided that is Russell Wilson, but that's because he's a pretty good pocket passer, as opposed to EJ's who's not that great yet.")
With the YouTube views piling up, Ruben said he doesn't regret revealing himself in such a vulnerable state.
"It's a diehard Bills fan, saying what's on everyone's mind and under the effects of anesthesia," Ruben said. "I think it's pretty funny. It's blown up. I never imagined I'd get 12,000 hits on YouTube.
"I'm just enjoying it. I hope the Bills' organization takes it to heart and see what loyal fans they have."
Ruben's video ended on this note: "Also, I hate Tom Brady."